Two left feet and a face like a wet weekend
Thursday 20 November 2008 at 13:14 UTC
Republic, that uppity band of anti-royalists, is once again calling for king-in-waiting Charles Saxe-Coburg-und-Gotha to not abuse his position by engaging in politics while remaining unaccountable to the people.
As a signatory to Republic’s manifesto I agree entirely – if Charles wishes to lead, he should renounce his titles and lands and stand for election. Otherwise shut the fuck up. But I cannot help feeling that the British people will take a little while longer to break free culturally from the idea of monarchy. I therefore propose that as an interim measure we proclaim as King or Queen a popular commoner, following which then establish a proper constitutional republic.
So who could best represent all that is good in Britain? I have no hesitation in suggesting that quintessential Englishman John Sergeant, memorably described by Jeremy Paxman as having “two left feet and a face like a wet weekend”. Loved by millions, this dancing pig and rebel against the establishment withdrew honourably when it seemed like he would win a vulgar sporting competition despite a total lack of skill. What a man!
Support 
Friday 21 November 2008 at 00:50 UTC
I like your idea, Francis. my nominee for Queen used to be Beryl Reed, on the grounds that she looked like the Queen Mum and would therefore calm royalists. Then she died. I rather like Prince Andrew: normal shaped head/ears/chin, normal hair, no interest in politics, Welsh dad (so they say), likes fruity ladies. It’ll be like having the Prince Regent all over again. Huzzah!
Friday 21 November 2008 at 06:44 UTC
I’m a firm believer in employing people with prior experience, and those who already have aristocratic names would be most used to the job: Duke Ellington, Count Basie, Prince, Ben E. King and the band members of both Queen and Queensreich get my vote.
Friday 21 November 2008 at 10:14 UTC
Boyo - Careful now! Pip the Greek has a shotgun, and knows how to use it.
Dr Dilo - Queensreich? Sounds like a band of goosestepping dysfunctionals. Oh, hang on…
In other news, it seems that the jug-eared one has come out in support of Tory immigration policy. From henceforth let us call him Toby.
Friday 21 November 2008 at 13:46 UTC
Lords and Ladies!
I prefer the official spelling: Queensrÿche, a wonderful example of the heavy metal umlaut. We shall all be sovereign with crowns in our names … sort of a visual equivalent of an onomatopoeia?
Bëngt
Friday 21 November 2008 at 13:53 UTC
I prefer that humble trilby of accents, the circumflex. It suits my profession.
Frâncis
Saturday 22 November 2008 at 00:34 UTC
Welsh is literally top for the circumflex - arwyddocâd for example.
Romanian misuses it.